Published: October 07, 2008 09:22 am            

JAYSON LARSON: Sacrifices are for bunts, not bodies

Sometimes my ego — the one that makes me slow down in the presence of a tailgater or run faster when the guy on the treadmill next to me starts running — keeps me from making rational decisions.

But when the umpire advises you to pitch from farther back because a certain hitter known for smoking line drives is coming to bat, well, friend, you put your ego in your back pocket and start doing the moonwalk.

So aside from the possibility I could have been killed by a line drive, the 4th Annual Athens Review Make-A-Wish Softball Game was once again awesome.

No, the Review’s team, the Newshounds, didn’t win a game. When we do, heaven help Athens. The Powerade will flow like wine, and we may get rowdy enough to get thrown in the new jail.

But we did score runs. Five of them in four games, I think. That officially qualifies the 2008 Newshounds as the greatest team ever fielded by the Review.

Snicker, if you must, but we celebrated those five runs as if we’d just counted off the sixth correct number on a lottery ticket.

Making memories, baby. Making memories.

This year, for the first time in my adult softball life, I pitched ... and became the first player ever in a slow pitch softball game to bean a batter. The batter actually caught the ball and handed it to our catcher.

But my favorite memory can be summed up in one word, a nickname, actually: T-A-R-T.

I don’t know Tart’s real name (if that is your real name, sir, let me offer an apology in advance. I wouldn’t want to do anything to upset you, which in turn might cause you to swing the bat harder and knock the planet out of orbit. Just a bad deal for all of us).

Here’s all you really need to know about Tart. He plays for the Dirty Crew — the team that eventually won the championship — and he’s so feared, even his own teammates are in constant fear of him humming a line drive toward the base where they are standing. One teammate standing on third base, reacting to me throwing an inside pitch and out of fear that Tart would pull it down the third base line, hollered, “No!” Tart didn’t swing and looked puzzled.

I felt that guy’s pain.

I knew I was in trouble before the game, when I tried to pawn off pitching duties to several different people. Each person, respectfully, declined the open invitation to meet their maker.

So I was stuck.

Not that I was worried or anything. I had actually found a way to calm my nerves before James, the second-base umpire, called me back to the field after we finished our defensive half of the first inning.

James’ message was simple: When Tart comes up, you might want to back up.

A cool feeling of panic washed over me. I didn’t have the foggiest idea which one was Tart. As I took the mound the next inning, I felt like I was sitting at a bus station filled with assassins, not knowing which one has a gun in his pocket.

Needless to say, Tart was pointed out to me in time for me to back up.

“This one’s Tart?” I asked James. He nodded in the affirmative.

“So I can back up on this one?” I asked.

“Yeah,” James said, “as far as you want.”

“How ’bout second base?” I begged.

“Now you’re pushing it,” James replied.

Long story short, Tart didn’t kill me. He’s actually a nice guy who took the time between innings to confirm he had no intentions to end my life during a charity softball game.

I was grateful. I’ve got kids, you know.

And kids are what this tournament is all about. Some kid out there in our community is going to have a wish granted because teams of adults got together and played a kid’s game. It’s worth all the sore quads, strained ligaments, scrapes, bruises and, in our case, damaged egos.

And thanks to all the sponsors — Whataburger, Chicken Express, Brookshires, and once again, the Athens Teenage Baseball Association and board member Jim Green for their contributions. Jim had the field at Coleman Park mowed and lined and in top form and ATBA donated all concessions.

And thanks also to the players who gave up a Saturday for a very good cause.

As for you, Tart, keep swinging, brother.

Just not anywhere near the vicinity of my body.

Jayson Larson is the (sore and aging quickly) editor of the Athens Review.

        

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